MSAD #6 School Board decides upon new dress code for BEHS

BY RONAHN CLARKE
     MSAD #6 has joined the growing number of school districts that have decided to ensure the respectable and professional presentation of their students by instating a dress code. The new dress code will take effect at Bonny Eagle High School (BEHS) starting with the 2017/2018 school year. The decision to implement the new dress code was made at a school board meeting which took place last January. The members of the school board unanimously decided to require students and staff to wear yoga pants one size too small.
     Yoga pants were already a popular choice amongst the female students at BEHS, but the new dress code will also mandate them amongst male students and faculty. The High School’s administrative team has been asked to facilitate the school’s transition toward the new dress code early by requiring staff to wear yoga pants every Tuesday. Because jeans are antithetical to the school board’s vision, teachers can no-longer wear them on “casual Fridays.” Instead, they are now allowed to pay three dollars for the privilege of wearing crop-tops.
     “Requiring students to wear yoga pants will help us meet one of the district’s biggest goals,” said Interim Superintendent Paul Penna at a board meeting...

No chairs were harmed in the making of this report

BY RONAHN CLARKE
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A group of classroom chairs rest outside Mr. Clark's classroom, awaiting disposal.
       Forget the Middle East; there is an ongoing war right here in the walls and halls of Bonny Eagle High School between the students and the chairs upon which they sit. 
       The growing conflict has claimed many innocent chairs by forcing them to succumb to great strains, stresses, and contortions. It is unclear whether the conflict has been driven by student ignorance or student hatred of chairs, but what is evident is that the war is an unjust assault on the school’s most ‘supportive’ seating ordinances.
       Many students use particular tactics to further the deterioration of the classroom chairs; these tactics include the act of leaning backwards in the chair (and then promptly crashing back down), the act of violently stacking the chair, and the act of twisting the chair when stretching.
    Each action targets the specific weaknesses of the chairs; classroom chairs, perhaps in...

New "Wellness Day" activities prepare students to lead healthy lifestyles

BY RONAHN CLARKE
     The 2017 SAT will be administered to the Junior class on April 5th. During this time, freshmen, sophomores, and seniors will be kept busy - and healthy - participating in a variety of wellness-based sessions. Here are a few on offer:

Vivisection:
     Have you ever wondered what one of your peers would look like turned inside out? One person who attends this section will be cut open for others to see, with the goal being to preserve them as long as possible. All other students will be able to bring home souvenirs like teeth, toes, or fingers that they can show off to their friends and family.

Safety Belts:
     We all know that safety belts are important, but how important are they? Turns out not very! Students who choose to participate in this session get to ride a machine with a safety belt that comes to an abrupt stop, simulating a car accident.  Survivors of their first accident can return for “expert mode,” where the challenge is to survive again with no safety belt...

Freshman student opens locker and is taught to live in shame

BY RONAHN CLARKE
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The unfortunate freshman (identity obscured) stands beside his former locker.
      The longstanding BEHS tradition of not using one’s locker was violated last Friday in an act that defied our core humanitarian values. The nameless perpetrator, a member of the Class of 2020, pled ignorance to our school customs. Teachers, administrators, and students reprimanded the student by treating him with appropriate disdain.
      Business teacher Mr. John Smith was among those who were not so quick to let the freshman off the hook.
      “This is why we have freshman orientation at the start of every school year,” said Mr. Smith.
      Freshman orientation is when home-base teachers...